It’s a “crying shame,” as they say. I barely missed the sun as it dropped beyond sight past the tree line. All that’s left is twilight.
It seems like a lot of that sort of thing is going around just now. I must admit, I’m not a fan; life has a way of evading one who tries too hard—and it has a worse way of evading one who doesn’t try hard enough. It’s just like that sunset.
https://www.pexels.com/photo/crescent-moon-in-evening-sky-above-trees-7512594/
*rewind ten minutes or so*
I was frustrated and flustered from an argument I had with someone. I confined myself to my room, planning to go outside in a moment.
I started down the hall. I stopped. The shirt I wore felt all wrong. I felt I could tear it right off me. And my coat—where was it? It’s chilly out, I needed my coat.
Back to my room, I went. I got that blasted, white, longsleeved shirt off my back in a frantic hurry and threw it like a baseball out the door; I began towards my closet, shoving a chair—the one that’s always in the way—violently aside, but caught myself.
I steadied my body as much as my mind on the same confounded chair which had been a nuisance a second ago and collected myself.
Deep breath.
It’s just like that chair. All at once something may seem trivial and useless—a frustration that, in a moment of irrational thinking and chaotic emotions, seems better if it hadn’t existed in the very first; and then the next moment you use that same “trivial and useless” thing to stable yourself, to calm yourself, to redirect your scattered feelings to where they ought to be… What a shame (perhaps even a “crying shame”) it would have been if I had the power to make everything happen the way I “want” it to be when I want it…
I looked in a flash over my shoulder to my bed shelf (the makeshift bookshelf I installed on the wall beside my bed, which is the lower bunk) and noted my leatherbound journal and fountain pen lying there.
That’s it.
I snatched a suitable shirt from the closet and tore back down the hallway.
I would need coffee. Maybe some music. No. Maybe some silence…
“Quick, we don’t want to miss the sun,” I hear Dad say to Mom somewhere on the other side of the house.
That’s it. Again.
I would first make coffee. While it brews, I would fetch my things for journaling and put them in the hammock where a perfect view of the sunset, the pond across the way, and the serenity of wind in the trees and the music of the songbirds awaited me.
And also find my jacket.
Oh no.
Oh! blast it!
Also my mug. Where’s my mug?!
I scoured the cabinet, finding many other “options,” obviously not one that was suitable—wait. I dashed out the back door, catching my denim jacket off the couch on the way, having suddenly remembered that I had left my coffee mug in the car earlier that day.
I circled the tree beside the car twice because it felt right and then confidently crossed my fingers as I checked the door.
Unlocked.
With my mug in hand, I dashed back inside and measured out the coffee grounds for a strong cup of joe, and pushed “start” on the machine.
On a normal day, I might have pulled a shot of espresso, made a cappuccino, and attempted my frequently failed latte art, but I had no time. I had to catch that sunset.
Finally having gotten everything ready—the journal and pen, the bamboo writing board to put on my lap (which was actually a restored cutting board), the hammock, a Grimm’s Fairy Tales volume in case I wanted to read after—I set the record for “fastest sprint from the hammock to the kitchen” and waited about 43 seconds for the last of the perfect dark brown liquid to drop into my perfect mug.
Careful not to spill a single drop, I waddled my way to the door and opened it—and it was gone. I just barely missed the beautiful, lovely, long-sought-after sunset. I tried to make it in time. I failed. But I also wanted it to be perfect. I failed. I wanted to see it, to feel it, to accomplish what had just then seemed so important.
But that’s how life is sometimes. For now, I just have to live with it.
But that’s actually okay, and that’s something I’m slowly realizing: every frustrating argument, annoying mishap, unplanned catastrophe, or missed sunset is helping me slowly understand and process that.
I’m not there yet. But maybe one day I will be.
For now, my coffee’s gone, and it’s also too dark to write out here in the hammock, so I guess I’ll try and catch the next sunset.
benji :))
Youtube Recommendation (this dude is actually about as chaotic as me and I love it) :
https://www.youtube.com/@FinnWhitaker
Music Recommendation:
Book Recommendation:
I just finished Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis. It was very good. I recommend.
P.S. Don’t forget to add me to safe senders and take this email out of any spam filters or promotions tabs it might have been thrown into. The email address this is coming from should be benmena.substack.com